Recognizing signs of dating abuse and how to get help
In response to the murder of Yeardley Love
Mary Lee Hafley, President and CEO of SafeHaven of Tarrant County
The story of Yeardley Love, the Lacrosse player found dead in her dorm room at the University of Virginia, is the story of many young women we see at our counseling centers and shelters. No one recognized the signs of her abusive relationship. No one knew what to say. She and her boyfriend were in the midst of a breakup-the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.
Yeardley's story is disturbing, and statistics of teen dating violence are shocking. The Journal of American Medicine reported that one in five female high school students are physically or sexually abused by a dating partner. These are your children, your daughter's friends, your babysitter, or the friendly carhop at Sonic.
You can't ignore this issue any longer. Teens are suffering and dying. Adults must take responsibility for recognizing signs of dating abuse and react with understanding, information and options. By convincing yourself it's not happening or she's exaggerating or his behavior is simply playful, you retreat from the problem and set a cycle of abuse in motion.
We failed Yeardley. We didn't hear her veiled messages or question her explanations regarding this tumultuous relationship. She might not be our daughter; he might not be our son. But as adults and mentors, we must shoulder responsibility for teens in our extended family as well.
What should your son say to his friend who is disrespectful towards his girlfriend? What does your daughter tell her friend whose boyfriend reads all her emails?
Dating violence victims are often secretive about it. Teens fail to understand they are victims; they're embarrassed to admit what's happening. They receive threats that prevent them from telling for fear the abuser will exact revenge. They may be concerned that parents will prevent them from seeing the abuser, or that privileges will be suspended. If you notice these or other signs on the checklist, talk with them about it. You can help teens develop a safety plan with the aid of a SafeHaven counselor by calling our 24-Hour Hotline at 1-877-701-SAFE (7233).
You can stop dating violence before it escalates by learning the signs, questioning behaviors and providing information on how to get help. Not sure what to look for? Refer to the checklists below. Even one check is a red flag. If you have a teenager or young adult, clip this list so they can learn how to recognize abuse and get help:
Is the dating partner:
- Jealous or possessive?
- Controlling?
- Quick tempered?
- Violent?
Does the dating partner:
- Give orders? Make all decisions?
- Attempt to limit contact with family and friends?
- Call the teen names, humiliate or insult her?
- Accuse the teen of dressing provocatively?
- Control what he or she wears?
- Force him/her to have sex?
- Excessively call, text, or email the teen?
Has the dating partner:
- Attempted or threatened to commit suicide?
- Threatened the teen with physical harm or harm to her pets or treasured possessions?
- Refused to accept the relationship is over?
SafeHaven is here to help. Our staff offers counseling as well as SafeDate, a dating violence awareness program, to schools, teen groups, organizations, churches and other places where teens and young adults gather. Visit our "Teen Facts" page at www.safehaventc.org to schedule a workshop. Do it in Yeardley's memory. Do it for your children.
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